Thursday, December 22, 2005

IRL : the jay-oh-bee : holidaze : envy among pranksters

I really do wish that I could say that I thought of this little gambol. But, alas, it was all Co-worker SevenFeet.

Several weeks ago, I received the latest Harriet Carter catalog. If you are not already familiar with this 8" square of oh-my-god-they-can't-be-serious consumerism, then you are really, truly missing out. It's the Weekly World News of catalogs, sans the fine-printed page 3 disclaimer assuring you that it is indeed a work of fiction and parody.

Featured on the front cover of the catalog is this... item. At first glance, I assumed it was your typical personalized pewter ornament. About which I was not wrong, really. It is in reality abundantly typical of the kind of wares offered by Harriet Carter. But outside the pages of this mail-order delight? Nothing short of stupefying.

Then again, I don't have television so maybe most folks are fairly inured to this level of ridiculosity.

In any event, that be not my raison d'etre this frigid afternoon.

This action item is, again courtesy of Co-worker SevenFeet:

1. Order several of these ornaments engraved with your own name and the current year.
2. Wrap, package, and mail them to close friends and family.
3. Don't answer the phone on Christmas.

Fin.

Monday, December 19, 2005

acculturation : perspicacity : talkies : hollywood, please back away, slowly, from favorite works of my pre-pubescent youth

According to the IMDb, a second film adaptation of Bridge to Terabithia is currently in pre-production and slated for a 2007 release. I was unaware that there was even a first, released in 1985 and, judging from the user reviews, a rather corny and ultimately forgettable one.

The prospect of this new one, however, has me primly pursing my critical little lips. Maybe it's the bias of reverent posterity, my positing of the text in the same emotional lexicon as that of To Kill A Mockingbird. Maybe it's the fact that the director's resume, while nothing to sneeze at, primarily consists of the executive production, writing, and animation of such fare as The Rugrats, The Wild Thornberrys, and Duckman. Or that his likeness was the model for Dr. Nick Riviera on The Simpsons (no, really).

To be honest, in another context, Mr. Csupo's participation would be Wholly Neat. But, let's stay focused. Remember: prim, reverent.

So, prayhaps, really, I want to say right now that I shalt not approve of this film due to the casting of Ms. AnnaSophia Robb as Leslie. You might have seen her as Violet Beauregarde in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and thought, "Hey... what is Dakota Fanning doing in this piece of claptrap?" Or maybe you caught her (playing a character previously brought to life by a doll) in the TV movie event, Samantha: An American Girl Holiday. In any event, she is far too precious and, well, girly to be Leslie. Maybe she'll hit The Awkward Phase just in time for filming but, from the looks of her, she's one of those girls that somehow will bypass altogether that particular circle of Hell.

Furthermore, you just know, you don't have to think about it, you don't even have to read her bio to know (although you really should, especially if you have a taste for the darkly comedic naivete of ironic foreshadowing), so I am merely a mouthpiece when I say this: this child is f@#%ed. And it's all her mother's fault. I mean... just consider, just look, will you, at her given name. AnnaSophia. One word. And she insists, apparently, that one address her as such, all five syllables in their entirety.

Everybody wants to rule the world, but I don't think I'd take to that whip crackin' the moment of my exit from the birth canal. And then preordained with a stage name like AnnaSophia. That, sir, would be a mind-fuck. It might be years before it all unravels in a miasma of coke addiction, botched breast implants, and recidivistic shoplifting, but mark my words: f@#%ed.

IRL : insomniage : morbidity alert : teen bedroom syndrome

I don't know how I am even surprised anymore, let alone rattled, when things of promise turn quietly and inexplicably to shit.

'kay, Universe? I get it. Really. It. Is. Gotten. And, you're right: I mean, HA HA HA what was I thinking?

AH HA HA HA HA HA *giggle* *snort* *lights matches*

Don't worry, though. I'm not taking it personally or anything.

But probably significantly more than it deserves to be.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

acculturation : perspicacity : the monkey box + talkies : firefly + jarhead

i.

I will pay someone, anyone, to deliver the 1st season of Firefly unto me.

That is, unless someone, anyone, would greatly enjoy the spectacle of moi procuring such whilst clothed in two-sizes-too-large flannel jammie pants emblazoned with bowling pins, balls, and shoes, paired with a threadbare white boys' t-shirt.

And, no... I haven't brushed my hair today. Why do you ask?

ii.

It was weeks ago that I caught it, yet Jarhead remains a steady feature of my daily mental wanderings.

The film was a decent adaptation of the book but unfortunately made excessive use of narration to fill us in. Plus, typical of anyone familiar with a precursor text, I was disappointed that certain things were not included while other situations were expanded and fictionalized beyond their origins.

It was gorgeously photographed; I dare use the word 'sumptuous,' considering the number of times I was left without breath by the impact of the director's framing, cinematographically/contextually.

Many reviews lambast the film for its lack of a meaningful statement significant to our present police action conflict in the Middle East, and while I do think that Mendes tried a little too hard to avoid that conversation altogether, the piece itself is not without anything relevant to say. It just happens to not be about this Gulf War so much as War In General Since Vietnam, Valor As An Institutional Farce, and, well... Marines.

Which was what I found the most enjoyable and the most emotionally-affective about both the film and the book: the at-times fly-on-the-wall view into the reality of the Corps. As someone who has known and loved more than a few Marines, this insight alternately fascinated, comforted, and disturbed me.

(Admittedly, perhaps a little more than fetishistically. I think about Jarhead a lot because it was... what word am I looking for? Hmm... oh, yes, there it is: hot. Imagine Jake Gyllenhaal in nothing but a well-placed Santa hat and try not to agree.

And/or, two words: field fuck.

Above all, the lust factor was at its highest during the many, many scenes evincing that homoeroticism and the USMC need not be mutually exclusive.)

My one criticism, which endures depiction in both the text and the film, is this idea that it is somehow immoral to teach a young man how to kill and to then deprive him of the opportunity to put such skill to use.

While Swofford eventually dedicates a chapter to the ceaseless inner conflict between resentment and gratitude born of his one and only opportunity to make a kill (of which he was deprived by an airstrike-happy CO), and frequently revisits and token-dismantles the idea that a Good Marine is one who has killed, he can't help but seem most unhappy about this emotional artifact of his time in the Corps.

Which may or may not be intentional, wherein his antebellum psyche is poised as the most intimate example of his thesis: after all, when it is drilled into you so deeply and for so long that the advent of a particular event will make it all Mean Something and then... it doesn't... and that particular event is not only Important but Important In A Way That We Are All Supposed to Agree Is The Most Important of Things Because We're Talking About the U. S. of Fucking A... well, fuck. What's left?

Which really is rather simplistic, but one can't know that unless one goes to that place of disenchantment, and in the meantime, the boys are all still buying into and signing up for that elusive all-American valor, and the rest of us are still waving our flags and etc., ad nauseum.

Ten Marines were killed on Thursday by a roadside bomb.

This does not end. This will never end.

My next read, War Is A Force That Gives Us Meaning, promises to be a relevant companion piece.